When Connection Deepens, Some People Begin to Pull Away

Some people notice a pattern:

At the beginning of a relationship, things feel natural and easy. But as the connection deepens, they begin to feel uneasy or pull away.

This can feel confusing: “Isn’t this what I wanted? To be seen and loved?”

But the body often follows its own logic. In the human nervous system, connection is closely tied to a sense of safety.

According to Stephen Porges and the Polyvagal Theory, we are more able to connect when we feel safe (Porges, 2011).

However, for those with complex trauma, closeness may have once been associated with:

• criticism

• emotional inconsistency

• neglect

• unpredictability

Over time, the body may form an implicit link: “Closeness = danger”

Gabor Maté suggests that trauma shapes not only how we see ourselves, but also how we relate to others (Maté & Maté, 2022).

This can create an internal conflict: one part longs for connection, while another part tries to stay safe.

So when relationships deepen, people may:

• withdraw

• become overly rational

• feel emotionally shut down

• or start finding faults

Not always because they don’t care, but because their system is trying to protect them.

References:

Maté, G., & Maté, D. (2022). The myth of normal: Trauma, illness, and healing in a toxic culture. Avery.

Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.

YouTube. (n.d.). Trauma and the nervous system [Video]. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aENzyidbmRY

YouTube. (n.d.). Understanding trauma and healing [Video]. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nStUj0U_4Ys